Random Thoughts

Here goes nothing (or maybe something, depending upon your interpretation).

First things first…my life seems to be trapped in a web of theology. Now, sometimes I do not mind this. I feel as though I seem to be a natural theologian. That is to say, that even before I was a Christian I was always processing and analyzing various views of religion. What makes it difficult, however, is the fact that I cannot get away from it. Some days, I just want to scream. It seems as if I cannot escape theology. If I was studying math, I am sure that I could have a conversation that was not shaped by mathematics. I could have a conversation without ever bringing up math. With theology, the same does not appear to be true. No matter whom I am talking to, we somehow end up talking about theology. I love theology, do not get me wrong. I just need an escape from it every now and then. Perhaps that is why I play Madden so much these days. It involves no theology whatsoever. Though I am sure someone will write the Gospel according to Madden or PS2 someday.

Next thing…I perceive the academic world to be rather pretentious and elitist. I know I can embody those qualities at times. When I am with someone who tends to look down upon others intellectually, I fall into the trap of engaging in those ideas and elitist attitudes in order to secure a place among the intellectually elite. This is due to my own insecurity. Being aware of it is the first step in changing it.. I see people who do not want to change their attitudes though. Within social circles comprised of professors, I see that the tendency is not to speak of ideas or events, but of other people. The tendency is not only to speak of other people but also to speak negatively about those people. Now perhaps this is prevalent in all social circles and not just a professorial thing to do, but either way, its presence cannot be denied. I do not want to participate in that kind of community. Perhaps the only way to prevent that is not to live in that kind of society. In which case, I will escape to a monastic community (as I have wanted to do for a number of years anyway). I do not see how the creative and academic sides of me can coexist. I do not want to be sucked in completely by one side (namely, the academic side). I want to see, hear, and feel the presence of God in mystical ways and not have to explain those things with a theological vocabulary in order to prove myself to other academic elitists.

Next thing, I feel myself being pulled into the academic world in such a way that I have become fearful of losing the artistic, creative side of myself. I believe a sermon to be a creative synthesis of ideas. Thinking linearly and logistically ALL the time, does not allow for a creative dynamic that is able to make connections on several levels at once without any obvious connection. I do not want to lose my ability to be creative, my ability to write sermons, my ability to be my goofy self. I want to read things backwards. I want to make a new game within the game of Mario Kart. I want to dye my hair pink. I want to go skydiving. I want to be a chaplain for NASA. I want to live on a houseboat off the cost of Somalia (near Kenya). I want to live in a monastic community and write. I want to write eloquently and with a spiritual depth that I do not find in academic writings. I want to leave all the doors open. I want to be free to up and leave at any moment and go where I feel called to be. I want to have no attachment whatsoever to anything or anyone that makes me think that I cannot live without that thing or that person. I want to tell people, “No, I do not think Jesus was divine. No, I am not a Christian, but I am christian.” I want to be free to be me.

Who is stopping me?

Myself.

I understand that. Now, what to do…