cracker jacks overdose

Who Sells a Box of Rocks Twice?

2009-04-28T22:04:00.001-07:00

Apparently, Wal-Mart does.

Worst present ever!

Not Much to Say

2009-04-27T09:53:00.000-07:00

Thought maybe I should give this a go again.
We'll see how long it lasts.
Of possible interest:
reading The Song is You by Arthur Phillips
probably 1/5 of the way through
not bad, not brilliant
hoping for more, expecting more of the same
Of no interest:
working today, as always
this time - 9 hours instead of 8
such is life

fun shirts

2008-04-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

http://shirt.woot.com/

i have yet to buy one yet
they have one a day
i like today's shirt a lot
alas, it's sold out
someday i'll get one

2008-04-04T10:01:00.001-07:00

.........

i really like my new tattoo

2008-03-19T17:47:00.000-07:00

2008-03-03T16:06:00.000-08:00

I like trees because they seem more resigned to the way they have to live than other things do. ~Willa Cather, 1913

Things you should know about me...

2008-02-16T12:41:00.001-08:00

Cheese is probably my favorite food.
I wore pink pants on Valentine's Day.
I have a new phone. (THIS IS A LINK!)
I think Across the Universe is bad.
Good music, not enough of a plot to keep my interest.
U2 in 3d comes out next Friday.
U2 is my all time favorite band.
If you're reading this, you should probably know that about me.
I want to write.
I am getting pretty damn good at playing the piano for having no clue what I am doing.
I get bored easily.
I work tonight.
I like NetFlix... except when it takes them a week to get a movie I sent back to them.
I like Oreos.
I like cake batter ice cream as well as cookies and cream.
I like white cake with white icing.
I hate yellow cake.
I can deal with chocolate cake.
I hate strawberries.
I lived 22 years without ever trying one.
I am almost a quarter of a century old.
I am bright, but I have low self-esteem.
I do not think I have ever been in love.
I have, however, been loved.
I think I still am.
My biggest fear is not being heard or understood.
I often have dreams where people do not notice that I am speaking to them.
Or, if they do, they do not respond to me.
Communication is a big deal with me.
There is only one person in the world whom I miss enough to make me cry.
I like tennis.
I do not understand the scoring, but I like it anyway.
I was an excellent preacher.
I wish I could preach again.
I am afraid of preaching.
That fear goes back to the communication thing.
I hate it when people ignore me, yet I ignore people all the time.
When I ignore everyone, it's usually because someone important is ignoring me.
I miss Joey Jeter.
I want to write him a letter, but I am not sure what I have to say.
I do not have Tuberculosis.
I am good at basketball on the PS2, unlike Yuan who only claims to be good.
I am a bad friend.
I am a loyal to a fault, but only to the people who hurt me.
I hate rejection... but only rejection by certain people.
I am petrified of being abandoned, so I abandon people first.
I am considered a "bad ass" by certain people at work.
I love adverbs.
I write better than most people I know, but I rarely show anyone what I write.
I am a horrible singer.
I process things on a very deep level.
Most people close to me comment on my depth.
I want to be self-sufficient, though I know it's impossible.
I like Stoicism.
Did I mention that I like cheese?

so basically

2008-01-14T10:44:00.000-08:00

i like music.
imagine that.

My Theme Song

2008-01-11T12:11:00.001-08:00

2 posts in 1 day - I must be crazy

2008-01-11T11:28:00.000-08:00

Love this!

More Pictures

2008-01-11T10:52:00.000-08:00

So...I like taking pictures...obviously.
Not sure why.
Not sure if I am even slightly good at it.
Not even sure what I am doing.
But I like it anyway.

Flickr

2008-01-07T16:12:00.001-08:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

mwa ha ha

2008-01-07T15:49:00.000-08:00

nothing to say
gonna watch a football game
here's a picture i took

It's Official...

2007-11-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

As of last night, I moved from a Peace Corps applicant to a Peace Corps nominee!!!
WOO HOO!!!!!
Now I am just awaiting my medical packet, so I can get started with all of that.
I have tonight and tomorrow off if anyone wants to do anything.

I am going to go see No Country for Old Men tonight. It's done by the Coen brothers (Fargo, Raising Arizona), so it has to be good. Other than that, there is not much on my agenda. I finished Blessed Unrest and started The Spiritual Brain. Now, I want to be a neuroscientist. Yuan is going to let me know how it is since she is taking a neuroscience class next semester.
Well, I am off to play trivia with Brett now.
Later ya'll!

As I type...

2007-11-27T07:18:00.000-08:00

my Peace Corps recruiter is on the phone with a placement officer in Washington D.C.
I am in the process of being officially nominated for a secondary education teaching position in Sub Saharan Africa.
Guess what I would be teaching....
MATH!
At last, I return to my one true love.
Ha. That is too dramatic, but since I have been thinking of returning to math since I started seminary, it's kind of strange that I am now landing in a position to do so. Landing is definitely the appropriate word there too.
For now, I am waiting for my recruiter to call me back and confirm some things for me. This news could all change if the placement officer nixes my application for not having a math degree.
But, I work at 10. I will keep everyone posted.
Later!

i am reading a million books right now

2007-11-26T13:20:00.000-08:00

my life consists of reading, working, and occasionally playing brain age 2

I WISH THE PEACE CORPS WOULD UPDATE MY STATUS ONLINE!!!
it will either say i am accepted and am a nominee
or i am not accepted
if i move to a nominee, then i get a vague place, date of departure, and project
then i can start all my ridiculously expensive medical, dental, and vision stuff

i guess ill just keep checking my email obsessively

brett, lets get us some babies made

it's been a long time...

2007-11-25T18:51:00.000-08:00

i shouldn'ta left you without a dope beat to step to
step to
step to

okay so anyway
i think i got food poisoning the day after thanksgiving
i do not know who the culprit is yet
oh well
work is still fun
i work nearly 38 hours a week
which leaves me with very little time to blog
i hadn't talked to brett or yuan in almost a week
which means something is wrong
weird
now im gonna go read
and i am still leaving you wanting that dope beat
damn

short post

2007-11-21T10:48:00.001-08:00

today i work 2 to 10
then i go back to tuscola for the night
then its turkey day, i probably wont be able to blog, but we'll see
i bought a godiva double chocolate cheesecake for the family
thanksgiving makes me miss a certain someone
so does christmas, and winter, and the snow, and the cold weather, and flag poles, and churches, and books, and music, all music
i need to go

Yuan...this post is for you.

2007-11-20T14:26:00.000-08:00

get it yuan!

its like me to yell boom and continually knock you down

this is the best telletubbies dancing video ever!

okay, i dont have much to say

i am having dinner with jami tonight at 2 chez

should be a good time

yuan saved my life with medical information

stay tuned for more information

oh, josh, i miss brett too

lets go kidnap him

please

blogging in the middle of the day

2007-11-19T12:48:00.000-08:00

the problem with that is nothing has happened yet
i mean really what have i done
i texted brett
i beat him at msn you know it trivia 5 times
he beat me zero times
i checked fantasy football
i won
i emailed jami about dinner this week
i checked my peace corps status...still no change (though my fingerprints should be there by now; transcripts are on the way)
i called yuan to tell her josh blogged about brian
now i am going to go read
oh i played brain age 2
today i was 21
i can never get 20 on this one
oh well
also i bought a button this weekend that says, "oops, i forgot to have children"
it makes me laugh
maybe ill blog later about the 10 million books i am reading
later
and my blog wont let me change the color of my font today
kimberly, how do i fix this

my weekend

2007-11-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

too much of this:
p.s.
purple one = yuan
red one = me
yellow one = anna
green one = brett

a little bit of this:

and a lot of random fun

sorry i didn't blog yesterday, i guess i was just too enthralled with supermannin' dat ho

crazy hair lady

2007-11-16T21:07:00.000-08:00

yuan doesn't make any sense
the right side of the bed is determined by lying on your back in the bed
not by standing at the foot of the bed
although anna makes a good point, what if you lie on your stomach
anna and i listened to death metal on the way to yuans
weird, i know
i ate too many cadbury eggs
yuans clock keeps flashing
and for some reason this wont automatically spell check for me like it usually does
yuan is going to be 40 by the time shes an actual doctor
i broke all of this skeletons limbs
yuan wouldnt be my friend if i had no arms and hands sticking out of my neck
every young mans battle is the worst book you have never heard of

I sincerely aplogize...

2007-11-16T14:21:00.000-08:00

for not blogging yesterday.
I was busy all day (getting fingerprints, running errands, and whatnot) and then, worked last night (first time in the music department).
So, now I am blogging twice today.
This is post one.
Anna and I are leaving to go see Yuan in a little bit.
I have not packed yet.
Imagine that.
I will blog again from Yuan's house.
Yesterday I saw John Halpin at B&N, talked to Scott and Jami from B&N, and heard that Val Perry was in B&N while I was there (she didn't come back to the music department).
And I work with Abbre, so it was a Eureka filled day.
Okay, I seriously need to pack.
I kind of want ice cream, even though it's freezing outside.
Will post again soon.

Major Perk

2007-11-14T11:44:00.000-08:00

So aside from the 50% off my white chocolate mochas at B&N, I also get to participate in the "Book Loan" program. The program allows every employee to check out any hardcover book that has a dust jacket for up to 2 weeks. This means that I will be reading way more than I was (which was a lot to begin with). My first book is "Blessed Unrest."
http://www.blessedunrest.com/

Kimberly, I think you would like it.
I had to include you in my post or it just wouldn't be right.
You should actually get paid royalties for me using your name.
Then, you could kick out your neighbors and own your whole apartment complex.
Or...
Or you could buy a house. (the double "or" is there for emphasis)
Clearly, that makes more sense than owning your apartment building.
Anyway, this book is great thus far.
If I read a book every 2 weeks, that will be 26 books a year.
I will be the most well read person this side of the Illinois River, considering the diversity of the books I read. Maybe I will do some sort of review on each book I read from B&N.
In 2 weeks, look for a review of "Blessed Unrest."
Then, the announcement of my newest undertaking.
It can be like Oprah's book club minus Oprah plus Stick.
Ha.

My Job...

2007-11-13T11:08:00.000-08:00

Good news. I know two of my fellow coworkers.
Nobody else knows any.
Brett, there is a boy who looks and acts just like you.
You would like him.
He wants to be in the music department.
He got put in cafe.
I didn't...YAY!
But, I do get 50% off of anything I buy in the cafe.
WHITE CHOCOLATE MOCHAS HERE I COME!!!
That counts in any Barnes and Noble, so yay for me.
I saw Kyle (I am going to butcher his last name) Groenewold there last night.
Philosophy Kyle if that helps.
Guess where he was...
the Philosophy section.
Oh, Abbre works there (from Eureka) and Selena, one of Pam's friends who is really cool.
So, I have to get past being seasonal.
I get paid every week.
Bad thing, no benefits as a seasonal worker.
So, I am still freaking out about this medical stuff.
I do not want it to keep me out of the Peace Corps and there is a real possibility that it might.
Yuan, loan me some of your loan money...haha!
What else?
I am reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius.
I got it when I went to B&N with Josh and Kimberly.
Kimberly, why is it that you make it into nearly every blog post of mine?
Weird.
Um, everyone at Barnes & Noble is crazy nice.
I find out today whether I will be in books or music.
Though seasonal workers mostly work at the cash register, which is fine with me.
AHHHH!
I also get a discount at EB Games and Game Stop.
I want to read a book called Consciousness, an Introduction by Susan Blackmore.
It was recommended by a friend.
I looked it up last night at work.
It's $92.
It's also a textbook.
At least I get 30% off though.
I am just going to borrow it from my friend hopefully.
Cannot be making unnecessary purchases these days.
So, that covers everything I think.
More training and orientation for the next 3 nights and then it's off to Yuan's to make hot dog dumplings....mmmmmm.
I know you are all jealous.
I am done.
Ciao.

quick

2007-11-12T20:20:00.000-08:00

i love my new job...so far
i have a migraine
this is going to have to count as a post
im going to bed
later

lazy sunday

2007-11-11T16:02:00.000-08:00

didn't do a thing.
start at b and n tomorrow.
am reading buddhism and science.
it's a dense book.
i miss school.
not divinity school, but school in general.
i am having a bad feeling about this peace corps thing.
no money and no insurance is not helping.
realizing that maybe i meant nothing at all in the first place.
suddenly i am okay with that.
at least for the moment.
hmmm...

Problems

2007-11-10T12:39:00.000-08:00

I cannot order my transcript from Brite because their site isn't working properly.
I am going to have to have medical and dental work done and I have no money.
I don't know of any cheaper way to get that done without insurance, which I cannot afford.
In other news, I start my new job Monday.
I get to see Yuan on Friday.
We are making hot dog dumplings!!
Yes!
Kimberly doesn't like cheese...except Velveeta.
I am bored.
Again.
That's it.

Greatest Compliments I Have Ever Recieved

2007-11-09T09:57:00.000-08:00

This one came in October of last year:

"Whatever you choose to do about your graduate training, make sure you place yourself in a position to be fully challenged. You've come too far not to have the opportunity to reach your already blossoming potential. You've experienced a difficult, joy- and-sorrow-filled journey, but it is one that will aid you wonderfully in serving others with a genuineness and a compassion that few can manage. As the beneficiary of more than my fair share of your kindness and counsel, I can say with confidence that I know whereof I speak...

I hope this note finds you well. I will indeed treasure yours. Someone asked me just last week what it was that drew me to teaching... you are it."

As if that wasn't enough to make me cry...

I got this one today.

"'I've long maintained that you have much to offer in terms of relieving the suffering of others, and I hope that you have the opportunity to do that beyond feeding the beta fish at PetCo! And I think consciousness studies, frankly, is the most interesting field. Before I left Eureka, I was voraciously reading works on consciousness. No field offers such a rich confluence of perspectives (biology, psychology, philosophy, religion), and none is as challenging. I can think of maybe only two students in 15 years of teaching who have the intellectual wherewithal to understand and contribute to that literature, and you are one of them."

Some people believe in you more than you believe in yourself. Oftentimes, they believe in you more than you will ever know. I am lucky enough to have one of those people tell me just how much potential they think I really have. I may feel like I lost my biggest fan. But perhaps, I have just been cast back into the lot of ordinary people who are admired from afar and never hear just how much a certain someone cares about them and believes in them. I have not lost my place of prominence in his life. I have just been relegated to another realm for now. I will find my way back. I won't quit.

petco

2007-11-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

back to work i go at petco
i will not be whistling
though my beloved bird is there
soliel is his name
ill post a picture of him this weekend
he's a sun conure
kinda like a parrot but smaller
i love him
he loves me
end of story
now
what do i do about petco since i got this job at barnes and noble
b and n is only a seasonal job
but they could potentially keep me on
when i go to work tonight im going to see the schedule at petco for next wek
i also have to work 6 to 10 mon thru thursday next week and b and n
so
i cant work at petco during those hours
what do i do
dispense advice starting now please

next weekend im going with anna to see yuan
that should be fun

and maybe tomorrow night josh and kimberly are free for dinner
that could be even more fun
we could pretend it was someones birthday
im voting for kimberly since she says shes old anyway
whats another birthday
and a fake one at that

anymore to discuss
probably not
help me out with this job thing if ya can though
later dudes

to do list

2007-11-07T18:46:00.000-08:00

get job at barnes and noble - check
peace corps interview - check
have white chocolate mocha - check
hear about yuans disturbing dream - check
get callertunes to work - check
blog - check
tell my friends i love them - soon to be check
brett, yuan, josh, kimberly - let's get a house and play mario kart all day long
no babies though, unless we have 2 wings
ill hang out in the other wing with the dogs
babies hate me
i dont much care for them either
but
i love you guys (and girls) if i must be pc

kimberly....

2007-11-06T19:58:00.001-08:00

loves my blog.
it defies all logic, and yet it is true.
My interview is tomorrow.
I will most certainly blog about it tomorrow, though it may be late.
I want soup...
from Kimberly...
along with hot chocolate and mario kart.
brotherhood of the stationery shirts.
or stationary shirts.
those would be weird shirts.
Hawaiian flowers.
is that how you spell that.
is this even important?
nope.
damn, i have broken my own rule.
a soccer ball made me cry today.
it looked so sad and mistreated lying there freezing in the wind.
a bad country song also made me cry.
the cold makes me sad.
and yet.
i love it more than any other season.
i suppose i love suffering.
im going now.

nothing new

2007-11-05T20:45:00.000-08:00

I think people should only speak when they have something important to say.
Let's eliminate all unnecessary attempts at communication.
But then this would be gone too, right?
Yes.
Too many people only talk to hear themselves speaking.
What if I didn't talk for a year and only blogged?
I want to try it.
Of course I will have to have funding, because I can't live without a job, and it's hard to not talk at most jobs.
My grammar isn't great tonight.
Pardon me.
BUT...
I also don't really care.
That's all.
Don't talk unless it's important.
Please.

Boring...

2007-11-04T17:44:00.000-08:00

my life is boring.
I worked today.
I missed the game.
Go Patriots!
Some kid bought a fish when I got to work.
I got it out for him and he told me he was going to name it Chappy.
Weird.
Still no word from B&N.
I am beginning to wonder.
This might be the most boring blog in the history of blogging.
I want milk.
And cookies.
And my DS.
Apparently, I am seven too Josh.
or Seven Two.
I feel like I am old.
Some days I wish I was 80 and on my deathbed.
Today is one of those days.
Every day is one of those days.
I have lived through enough for one lifetime I think.
I am done.

uh

2007-11-03T21:57:00.000-07:00

I have 3 minutes.
2 chez was out of bread tonight.
i bought 13 loaves.
i bar backed.
i folded napkins.
i got paid in beer and Drambuie.
i thought of old friends.
i cried.
i miss who i used to be.
i need to sleep before i cry more.

Music

2007-11-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

I am in love with David Ford.
http://www.myspace.com/davidford
Check him out.
My favorite song is "I don't care what you call me."
When he sings "rain on down, " I get chills.
It is sooooooo good.

I have been writing some music lately.
I cannot sing at all, but maybe someday I will have the guts to put some music up on here.
You all will just have to look past my horrid vocals.
No joke, they are awful.

I have to work again today. Gross.
Still waiting to hear from Barnes and Noble.
Still working on Peace Corps stuff.
My interview is Wednesday!!!!
Wish me luck.

Day 1

2007-11-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

We will see exactly how long this competition lasts.
Knowing me, it will be over in a flash.
Or a flash of a flash.
Soon, to be more exact.
But I'll try to make it last.

So, I am in the process of applying to the Peace Corps for those of you who do not know.
I had my fingerprints done at the Peoria County Courthouse by someone who does this for a living. Well, the Peace Corps called me today. The fingerprints were not clear enough... to be more precise, they were smeared. Now, the lady doing them commented on this as they were being done and said that it was fine. Apparently, it wasn't. What's more, when I tried to call the courthouse to tell them, I got transferred, not once, not twice, not three times, not even four times, but five different times... all to be told by the Crime Scene Unit at the Peoria County Jail that I could have them done there for FREE. They cost 12 dollars at the courthouse. Grrrrrrrrrrr....

In lighter news, I had an interview at Barnes and Noble a few days ago. They checked my references today, so I should here back soon. If you read this and you have fingers, keep them crossed.

Now, I eat.

Later.

I shouldn't be doing this...

2007-04-07T17:25:00.000-07:00

but I am.

I have a paper that is to be "no more than 20 pages" due on April 17th. The professor is an incredibly hard grader. I got a B - on the last paper. OUCH! But, I am on page 3 as of right now. I am aiming for 16 (that's 18 with the title page and bibliography). Let's hope I can get there.

Then, I have another paper (6 to 7 pages) for that class due on the 24th.

I have a 7 to 8 page paper due on the 27th.

I arranged to take my one final early (on the 30th).

I have to lector and preach one last time.

And then, I have one last paper due during the week of finals.

If I keep working and staying ahead of schedule, I will be on the road and back to Illinois by the 1st or 2nd.

Speaking of which, anyone want to fly down here and help me drive back?

I am almost done with Texas! 23 days and a million more things to go.

Across the street...

2007-01-26T15:41:00.000-08:00

there is a dog. Everyday I walk by him on the way to class. So, I stop and play with him. He jumps up on the fence with a ball in his mouth. Today, I took a picture of him.

His name is Cash.

Dilemma

2007-01-22T14:44:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am having one. I have yet another week off in February. Now, normally I would go back to Eureka without thinking twice about it. BUT... I was just there. So, now, I feel like I am there too much and should not go home again. I do not want to be that person who is always back to visit. Yet, at the same time, I want to hang out with my friends and hear Sharon Watkins speak at EC on the 7th. So... what to do, oh, what to do...

Oops... a paper that I thought was due Thursday is due tomorrow... that's what to do right now!

2007-01-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

I took this picture...

I like it.

So I have to keep a journal for preaching...

2007-01-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

In that journal I have to reflect on my daily scripture reading, sermons I have heard or read, and chapters in a book by Ron Allen (who was a student of Bones). I have to read scripture everyday and a sermon a day from Jan. 18th until Feb. 28th. I also have to do 5 journal entries a week. So I thought, why not use that as my blog as well. So, to catch up, here are my entries from Thursday and today.

18 Jan 07

This evening I read Luke 9: 18-36. I was struck by Verse 27 which says, " 'I assure you that there are some here who will not die until they have seen the Kingdom of God.' " My first thought while reading this line was the link to Buddhism. In order to be born again, one must die. That death is not necessarily physical. The death of one's own impulses and fears (not through submission or fighting them, but rather though facing, embracing, and understanding them) allows one to become whole. My idea of Christianity centers around the concept of becoming complete as Jesus was - emptying one of oneself and becoming full of God. I believe the theistic Buddhists would agree with this concept. Therefore, when Jesus says that some will not die until they have seen the kingdom of God, I am mindful of the choice and the decision to want to die so that one can be reborn. I am continually struck by the parallels between religions. I try to incorporate at least one other religious tradition into each one of my sermons. Should I ever preach on this text, I would discuss the significance of death in Buddhism and how that can inform the faith of Christians.

20 Jan 07

Today I read Chapters 49 and 50 of Genesis. I found the juxtaposition of the descriptions of the twelve tribes and the story of the death of Joseph’s father to be interesting. The author who describes Joseph in Chapter 49 seems to be foreshadowing, or prophesizing, the acts of Joseph in Chapter 50. As I was reading the descriptions of the twelve tribes of Israel, I was reflecting upon how often we, as Christians, take on one of these personas daily. Sometimes we are strong. Sometimes we are downtrodden. Sometimes we are violent and vengeful. Our moods change several times throughout the day. Often it feels as if we are reacting to events around us rather than responding from the depths of who we are. This text reminded me of our responsibility to respond to situations rather than react to them. If we act out of the innermost parts of our hearts, then we are truly responding thoughtfully. We will be less apt to take on different personas throughout the day and more apt to be the fullest expression of ourselves. I also listened to the sermon, “How Loud Should You Preach,” by Fred Craddock. Having read The Cherry Log Sermons for another preaching class, I am familiar with Craddock’s sermons. However, I have never heard him preach. I appreciate his humor. Within this particular sermon, the movement and flow struck me. Craddock has a comforting rhythm, which keeps one’s interest. I especially like the intonation of his voice. In regards to the content of the sermon, I enjoyed the message of "You just can't yell everything all the time." The distinction between false speech and genuine speech was particularly effective. I loved the definition of genuine speech. Overall, I loved the sermon. Craddock is able to shout through a whisper. Sometimes the softest-spoken person can really be the loudest.

So I was bored...

2006-12-15T09:16:00.000-08:00

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

I sat down to write...and this came out.

2006-11-29T20:25:00.000-08:00

I still feel it just as strongly as the day it happened. In fact, I do not ever think it has gone away or even attempted to leave. It resonates through my bones, pulses through my veins – I feel it in the melted pieces of my glass heart, which shattered on that very day. I feel it right behind my eyes sometimes. As it wells up from deep inside with everything it has. It forces its way right to the edge and like a steady slow refrain from a song, it pours out of me uncontrollably. I feel it when I eat…the bitter taste of the food that gags me until I feel it all coming back up. I feel it when I breathe…it lives like a black hole inside my lungs – daring me to try to let out a breath. I feel it when I sleep…the dreams haunt me – dreams of that day.

It was the day I lost my voice. The day I realized that words could never capture how I felt inside. What I felt was beyond expression…it still is. The meaningless arrangements of letters…what have they to offer? I think had I the energy, the strength, the drive, the determination to sort them out and put them together…what would I say?

“One sentence,” I challenged myself.

Today, I will speak one sentence…one sentence to the world that says it all. It was quite a tumultuous task. Since that day, I still have not spoken. I spent the whole day arranging and rearranging the letters. Staring at the comma, as if it had all the answers. Yet, it never came. That sentence is somewhere though. It is waiting for me. The sentence that will comfort me…the sentence that will give me back what I lost…even if it is only my voice. That one sentence has been eluding me for years now.

The more I think about it…the more painful it gets. It was not as if it was a surprise. I knew it was going to happen. I think that is what made it hurt the most. That feeling inside that shouted and reverberated off every rib inside of me…the feeling that it was coming…and nothing I could do could stop it. It was that tender feeling of helplessness left uncared for…yet nothing could ever help that helplessness…nothing at all. Believe me, I looked, I searched, I dug through the core of my soul for something, anything, that would ease the pain.

Every now and then a touch…a hand placed over mine…a kiss on the cheek where my tears were streaming…a palm resting upon my back just below my neck where all the tension in the world seemed to lie…every now and then this seemed to help. I would feel the tension dissipate if only for a brief moment…but it always came rushing back…overwhelming the spot where, for once it ceased to exist.

They say, “Madness is pain.” I think pain is madness as well. Who of us wants to live carrying a load so heavy that it breaks your back with every step? One day you realize you cannot even walk. You crawl through life. Eventually, you cease to move. You lie…alone…seemingly untouchable anymore…not wanting to breathe, for even that hurts. As you wither away, the anger builds inside of you…anger at the person for leaving you this way…anger at the disease for taking over the one you loved so very much…anger at yourself for not having done more…anger at the way you allowed yourself to get so close…anger at the fact that you are human, that your heart breaks, that you hurt, that you are weak, that something inside of you loves, cares, feels for, and embraces the pain of other souls…anger.

It is an anger that is eternal, just like the grief with which it battles. You tell yourself, “You fucked it up.” This turns into, “You fucked it up again.” Again and again and again and…well, you get the point. You beat yourself up from the inside out. People watch from the outside, never quite understanding. Then, one day, it happens. Your skin ruptures…that jagged piece of your shattered heart is sticking out of the gentle curve just below your ribs. At last…they see it. The very moment they realize what has been eating you up is they very moment in which the anger and the grief overtake you. The slight chance they are given to help is but an illusion…for you have lost in that same instant. Your insides pour out and there is no room for the outside to crawl in. Valiant attempts produce the same results as feeble attempts. And you are drawn back to the words that never could help. Noticing that so many, like valiant and feeble, are interchangeable. This pain is death. This death is pain. This life is pain. This pain is life. This life is death. This death is life. Any order…it does not seem to matter. Anger is grief. Grief is anger.

And just as you slip away from the world forever…you find it…or rather it finds you. That one sentence creeps into your soul from the outside…finds its way into your bleeding throat cut apart by the glass lodged inside of it…it rests on your lips for a brief moment before sending itself out into the world…your last words…your only words since that day…the fleeting remnants of what was considered a soft and yet strong voice fades away into the night…whispering…“Never lose your voice - no matter how valiant or how feeble - in the end it is all you have.”

For those of you that actually read this...

2006-11-14T18:49:00.000-08:00

I am no longer on Facebook.
I no longer use AIM.

Phone calls and emails are accepted and encouraged.

Random Thoughts

2006-11-10T08:29:00.000-08:00

Here goes nothing (or maybe something, depending upon your interpretation).

First things first…my life seems to be trapped in a web of theology. Now, sometimes I do not mind this. I feel as though I seem to be a natural theologian. That is to say, that even before I was a Christian I was always processing and analyzing various views of religion. What makes it difficult, however, is the fact that I cannot get away from it. Some days, I just want to scream. It seems as if I cannot escape theology. If I was studying math, I am sure that I could have a conversation that was not shaped by mathematics. I could have a conversation without ever bringing up math. With theology, the same does not appear to be true. No matter whom I am talking to, we somehow end up talking about theology. I love theology, do not get me wrong. I just need an escape from it every now and then. Perhaps that is why I play Madden so much these days. It involves no theology whatsoever. Though I am sure someone will write the Gospel according to Madden or PS2 someday.

Next thing…I perceive the academic world to be rather pretentious and elitist. I know I can embody those qualities at times. When I am with someone who tends to look down upon others intellectually, I fall into the trap of engaging in those ideas and elitist attitudes in order to secure a place among the intellectually elite. This is due to my own insecurity. Being aware of it is the first step in changing it.. I see people who do not want to change their attitudes though. Within social circles comprised of professors, I see that the tendency is not to speak of ideas or events, but of other people. The tendency is not only to speak of other people but also to speak negatively about those people. Now perhaps this is prevalent in all social circles and not just a professorial thing to do, but either way, its presence cannot be denied. I do not want to participate in that kind of community. Perhaps the only way to prevent that is not to live in that kind of society. In which case, I will escape to a monastic community (as I have wanted to do for a number of years anyway). I do not see how the creative and academic sides of me can coexist. I do not want to be sucked in completely by one side (namely, the academic side). I want to see, hear, and feel the presence of God in mystical ways and not have to explain those things with a theological vocabulary in order to prove myself to other academic elitists.

Next thing, I feel myself being pulled into the academic world in such a way that I have become fearful of losing the artistic, creative side of myself. I believe a sermon to be a creative synthesis of ideas. Thinking linearly and logistically ALL the time, does not allow for a creative dynamic that is able to make connections on several levels at once without any obvious connection. I do not want to lose my ability to be creative, my ability to write sermons, my ability to be my goofy self. I want to read things backwards. I want to make a new game within the game of Mario Kart. I want to dye my hair pink. I want to go skydiving. I want to be a chaplain for NASA. I want to live on a houseboat off the cost of Somalia (near Kenya). I want to live in a monastic community and write. I want to write eloquently and with a spiritual depth that I do not find in academic writings. I want to leave all the doors open. I want to be free to up and leave at any moment and go where I feel called to be. I want to have no attachment whatsoever to anything or anyone that makes me think that I cannot live without that thing or that person. I want to tell people, “No, I do not think Jesus was divine. No, I am not a Christian, but I am christian.” I want to be free to be me.

Who is stopping me?

Myself.

I understand that. Now, what to do…

...

2006-10-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

What I want from you is empty your head
But they say be true, don't stain your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me like a rootless tree.

What I want from us is learn to let go
But we fade the forests, fracture the tide
We go blind when we needed to see
And it leans on me, like a rootless...

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all you didn't do
I said bleed it, bleed it, bleed it
There's nothing in you
And do you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so much
That you can't let me out, let me out, let me out
Of hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out

What I want from this
Is to learn to let go
No, not of you
Of all that is old
Killers re-invent and believe
And it leans on me, like a rootless...

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all you didn't do
I said bleed it, bleed it, bleed it
Thre's nothin' in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so much
That you can't let me out, let me out, let me out...
It's hell when you're around...

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said bleed it, bleed it, bleed it
There's nothin' in you
And do you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so much
That you can't let me out, let me out, let me out...
Hell when you're around...
Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out...
LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT
LET ME

Musings...

2006-10-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

Boredom = a manifestation of some kind of fear
Fear of what?
-Losing myself in the process of finding myself
-Being uncomfortable
-Being surrounded by nothing that is familiar

I knew who I was at Eureka...
I am still that person (though I have changed too), but I am not sure that person can survive in this environment.
Was that person shaped inwardly or by the environment?

If it's the latter, then who am I?
If it's not, then why am I so scared?

I cannot fall apart everytime the circumstances change.
Yet, I can and do.

Am I as strong as I thought? As brave? As wise? As flexible? As intelligent? As understanding of myself and others? As aware?

Does leaving resolve the matter?
Does California offer me a place with more opportunities for completion? Or does struggling through this time and place help more?

Is being unhappy a product of where I am or who I am? Does the fact that I feel alone here contribute? Would I feel more or less alone in California?

Fear of what?
-Not being able to do the great things people expect of me
-Not knowing what I expect of me
-Thinking that maybe school isn't for me

I still feel like I am transitioning.
What do I want?
This phase of my life to be over.
To have a job.
To do what I feel called to do.
To be able to bypass all of this and still be the person I will be for having gone through it.

Fear of what?
-Fear.

What...

2006-09-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

have I gotten myself into?
This could either be really really bad or really really good...

For now...song lyrics will suffice.

The rain is like an orchestra to me
Little gifts from above meant to say
Girl, you're falling at his feet
Is it lovely or stunning today
Lay with me
I'm alive when you're here with me, stay

And I'll find a way to see you again
Why do the street lamps die
When you're passing by
Like a hand that won't stay on my shoulder tonight?
If you held me close, would you laugh it away?
Would you dare the glance that I steal to stay?

And I'll find a way to see you again

The rain will bring me down

Take my thoughts...for what they're worth.

2006-09-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

This is going to be neither eloquent nor insightful. In fact, it may seem lacking in thoughtful reflection. However, the truth is that my ability to articulate what I am thinking is all too often hindered and encumbered by too much thought.

First off...a quote:

"I've tried to find comfort in the Church's teachings, for I am a Christian and I believe in the way of the Lord. But it seems that I believe in something more, as well, and I no longer assume that one is the negation of the other. I suspect the forbidden religions had part of a secret we have lost, and as long as we refuse to admit its existence we are like blind men, shut off forever from the reality of our world."
- Brian Boru (Morgan Llywelyn, Lion of Ireland)

The question I cannot answer at the moment is:
Am I Christian?

I do not think that Jesus was divine. So by Christian standards, I do not think I am a Christian. I do not think that Bible is the 'word of God.' I do, however, think that God reveals Godself through the Bible. And yet, I think God reveals himself through other works as well. I have found God in a poem by Rumi, a novel entitled The Holy Man, and various other works - INCLUDING those of other faiths and those of people who claim they have no faith.

I also think that people are going to find that God reveals Godself in different ways and in different contexts. No two people are going to find God in the same place and in the same way.

Well is what I think different from what I believe? Are my faith and my thoughts based upon the same claims? I think that God exists. I have faith that God exists. This Jesus person - I think he lived in a historical time. I think he was a real person. I am just not so sure that I am willing to accept that he was divine without thinking it through for myself. That position also leads me to have problems with the Trinity. Too often people accept things handed down to them without question... and not just in Christianity. I for one would like to seriously reflect upon my theological convictions and figure out what I truly believe.

I know I am not saying anything that has never been said before. But that is not my intention. My intention is to process what I am thinking so that I might better understand where I stand, what I think, and what I believe.

My all time favorite quote is:

"Beware of confining yourself to a particular belief and denying all else, for much good would elude you - indeed, the knowledge of reality would elude you. Be in yourself a matter for all forms of belief, for God is too vast and tremendous to be restricted to one belief rather than another." - Ibn al 'Arabi (d. 1240).

I think that contemporary religious thought limits God. Christians declare that they believe in a God who is omniscient, omnipotent, immanent, and not confined or defined by human standards. And yet those very labels impose limitations. We say God is not limited, but we refuse to believe that God can reveal Godself through anything that runs contrary to our own creeds and suppositions. If God cannot be limited, then who are we to say in what form God chooses to reveal Godself?

Now, I know that there is a mystery in all of this. I am not meant to understand everything. I admit freely that I do not. I do not even want to for that matter. Some people might say that I want to pick and chooses what I believe in from each faith and that that denies the faith tradition. Well, frankly, the faith tradition is not my God. The culture is not my God. The society in which I live is not my God. My God is my God. My God is. Unlimited by restrictions and human constructs. It seems to me that in seeking to understand God more, we begin to distance ourselves from God. We develop a statement of belief and suddenly we are limiting God and our understanding of God to the claims made in that statement.

So now...am I Christian?
If so, I am not just a Christian.

I might not fit in...I might not be understood...I might anger some people...but I am what I am and there is no sense in denying that.

"All she knew was that there was more to the world than what could be perceived with the five senses and that she couldn't accept that Mystery as having its source in some power-hungry god whose church's creeds were based on denial of all secular matters, as though the beauty of this world was not a thing to be cherished for its own sake, but was rather a testing ground for how one would or would not be rewarded in the afterlife."
- Charles de Lint, Spiritwalk

Reflection

2006-09-16T19:46:00.000-07:00

You've no idea how hard I've looked for a gift to bring You.
Nothing seemed right.
What's the point of bringing gold to the gold mine, or water to the Ocean?
Everything I came up with was like taking spices to the Orient.
It's no good giving my heart and my soul because you already have these.
So-
I've brought you a mirror.
Look at yourself and remember me.

Jelal Udin Rumi

and now I am updating again....

2006-09-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

because that picture won't work
its too tall
so here's to scottimer again - haha

I am updating...

2006-09-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

because I need this picture for a trophy on the fantasy football league...and I can only import it from a web page and not upload it from my computer. And also because this man is no doubt the best in the world - here's to Scottimer!!

The one thing that causes unhappiness...

2006-08-20T17:27:00.000-07:00

So, here I am, thinking things are going well. And let me tell ya, they aren't. You think you know yourself. You think you understand yourself and have some self-awareness. You think you can live without attachment:

The one thing that causes unhappiness…

If you look carefully you will see that there is one thing and only one thing that causes unhappiness. The name of that thing is attachment. What is an attachment? An emotional state of clinging caused by the belief that without some particular thing or some person you cannot be happy.

— Anthony de Mello

And then, what happens? You realize you miss the place you swore you would not. You miss the people who not only watched you grow into who you are, but the people who helped you along the way. In truth, you miss what was and what never can be again. Things change, people move, tears fall.

So, here I am left without a clue. I think this is what I want to do. I know this is what I wanted to do. I am just not sure if the time to do it is this very moment. But then I think, why wait? Seize the opportunities before you. I try to convince myself that it is just the stretch of days before classes begin (Tuesday) that is making me think so much...nope, wrong. I ALWAYS think too much. Perhaps after I become acclimated to the area, I will love it. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

but who wants to live for perhaps?

First Post

2006-06-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Stick's blog!